He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize