dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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