you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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