theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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