cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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