I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
A+ Viking dick
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
