i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
