Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
