I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
