and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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