I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
worst night to have a conscience
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize