shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
