if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
