I haven't been this sober since birth.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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