i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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