11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
