Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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