My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
