I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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