New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
