Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize