I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize