Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
