It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
