i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
