fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
