New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
