Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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