just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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