I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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