Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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