11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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