I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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