I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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