Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
