dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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