I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
