Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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