Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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