Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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