He passed out mid-signature
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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