matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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