mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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