I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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