the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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