I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
