Someone shit on the floor
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
