Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
