Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
