She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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