I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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