I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
