i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
