Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
