honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize