I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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