I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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